This can be tricky.
There are certain levels of advocacy. We always tend to start off slow and see how things unfold. Sometimes things resolve organically or with minimal intervention. Other times, things can turn adversarial. Building relationships with people has been an important element to advocating and building community in general. Pulling people in, instead of pushing them away.
However…. there will be times when major incidents can flip things upside down. Or, enough moderate levels of chronic discrimination make maintaining or building that relationship very difficult.
If you are reading my blog, you have probably found me through a Google search or Facebook. Chances are, you have found me because things are not going well. You may already be in the process of an external complaint system or are seriously considering it.
Communication when things get intense in schools is a different world.
Sometimes, school staff will recognize right away that the subject you want to discuss could potentially place them in hot water. They will call you instead of sending you an email.
Or sometimes it’s the opposite. They will send you a triggering email on purpose. Poking you intentionally. Wanting your elevated response to be documented.
Not all of their communication will be adversarial. Sometimes they are genuinely looking to resolve the situation and don’t want to escalate things further and so they want to meet with you in person. Sometimes we are so triggered by past negative experiences with school staff that we are automatically launched into defence or attack mode. We end up making the worst assumptions out of fear responses, from very lovely people. And I speak from experience.
On the other hand, we may truly be dealing with strategic “wolves in sheep clothing” type people. And I also speak from experience. It can be hard to weed through and figure out who wants to help and who is following instructions from the legal team. Friend or foe?
I saw a t-shirt online once and it read “Mr. Rogers didn’t prepare me for the people in my neighbourhood.” I laughed because that resonated!
When navigating the education system, there are rules on the order of who you can communicate with and how you can communicate with them.
Here are some examples of types of communication experiences:
- They may tell you are not allowed to communicate with your child’s EA. (Which is true. All communication needs to go through the teacher. Some schools are more flexible about this.)
- You need to first talk to your child’s teacher before you contact ______. (They have a strict hierarchy of who you talk to first and how to escalate. They also have internal rules on who the district can talk to and they need to follow an order. Be aware that if you email the district about your child’s principal, that principal will be contacted to get their side of the story, before they contact you.)
- They may just ignore your email.
- They may call you after you have sent an email instead of responding in writing.
- They may request a meeting.
- They may flat out lie to you.
- They may gaslight you.
- They may minimize the issues.
- They may blame your child for not self-advocating.
- They may distract you with irrelevant information about other topics.
- They may send someone to befriend you to gather information.
- They may want to de-escalate this as quickly as possible hoping the issues don’t blow up into bigger ones. (These are the trauma-informed responses. These are the ones we hope for.)
For people who are in independent schools, you need to be extra careful. Many parents sign code of conduct agreements and if you cross the line they can kick out your kid and blame it on you for breaking the contract. Some will even have in their written contract that you file an external complaint, that is reason to kick out your kid.
It’s easier to see some of the games they play in hindsight. It’s harder to recognize this stuff when you are in it and your emotions are high, and possibly feel like you are in survival mode for your child. It can be hard to trust our own judgement. Sometimes we read into things too deeply thinking we are under attack, when we are not. Sometimes we are, and our gut instincts are spot on.
There is a big difference when you are just advocating internally vs. you are costing the districts thousands of dollars in legal fees or taking up a lot of time of senior administration. It’s just good to keep our eyes wide open and reflect and pay attention to HOW they are communicating. It can be very revealing. It’s not just what they are saying and what they are doing. It’s also what they are NOT saying and what they are NOT doing that can also be revealing.
Also know, lawyers are involved way earlier than we think they are.
They may tell us that what we are doing is “inappropriate”. They may use silence. All of these are flags that we are onto something and have hit a nerve. I offer you all this blog. 5 rules on how to stay untouchable.
Having someone join you in a meeting to take notes can be very helpful. I have left meetings and wondered what on earth has just happened here. They can spin you in circles. It can be a good thing to have a support person and a witness. You will need to bring someone who isn’t a parent in the school district. Otherwise, they will claim confidentiality reasons that they can not attend.
When you email someone, and if you cc: people, those in the cc: line will not respond. If you want a response from someone, you need to stick them in the TO: line.
A great resource to find out who you need to talk to internally, the hierarchy, is in Chapter 7 of the Inclusion BC, Inclusive Education Manual.
I also recommend that you look on your school district’s website. They will likely have a parent’s code of conduct document, and/or a document on how to resolve conflict. You will need to follow that step by step.
Solution Options:
- If they only want to talk on the phone, you can follow up with an email of what was discussed and ask them to clarify if you misunderstood anything.
- For dealing with silence I offer you this page.
- Some parents have resorted to recording phone conversations. There are laws around recording conversations. You will need to research this and stay up to date on any law changes. If they tell you in a meeting that they don’t want to be recorded, you will not be able to record them. If you are an employee wanting to record conversations at work, you are in a whole other area of law that is specific to employment and I HIGHLY recommend you consult with an employment lawyer before you go down this path.
- Bring a note-taker or support person with you to meetings.
- If you are making allegations against a staff member that they did something, be aware that they have every right to explain, clarify and defend themselves. They will be included in the resolution process. In all formal working structures that I am aware of, each complaint system wants you to try to resolve the issue with the person first.
- If internal advocacy through the whole internal process (all the way to the top) doesn’t resolve anything, external options may be your only recourse.
For big incidents, parents/guardians are often looking for an apology. Some get it, some don’t. I wouldn’t hold your breath waiting for one. They are often advised by their lawyers never to admit to anything. Something else I saw online, “I hope you heal from the things no one apologized for”. The need for accountability can drive people through the external complaint systems. Which I don’t think is a bad thing. Filing complaints is a form of advocacy. Our experiences are included in data collection and this can lead to systemic change. School districts need to know they have external eyes on them. Letting them think they are untouchable is dangerous in my eyes.
Communication is the foundation of advocacy.
If this is an area that you need support with, I really encourage you to find an advocacy buddy, support group, request accommodations with the district if this is disability related, and/or connect with other support professionals who can help you navigate. There are non-profits offering this kind of support, but also people who do this kind of work full-time.